The 10-Step Ajebutter’s Guide to Getting A PVC
There are two types of Ajebutters that will attempt this PVC journey (1) The Ajebutter that actually believes she is going to do the right thing and (2) the one who knows damn well she’s trying to get out of this sticky situation ASAP. My advice for type 1 is as follows: slap yourself, then answer the following “do I want my PVC or do I want to do the right thing? You can only choose one oh!
In any case, here is everything you can expect on the day.
(1) Select a Designated Sufferer
Look, you need someone to do the suffering for you. Don’t kid yourself. Think of your designated sufferer like a ‘fixer’. He is going to do the waiting, the hustling, the tipping, the mixing with the masses, the “sorting out”, all the things required to actually see your PVC in your hands. When you find this Designated Sufferer, you must properly incentivise him, it will get you out of there faster. For example you might consider saying, “Hey there, here is 10,000 Naira. Do whatever it takes to get me out of here as fast as possible.” If his eyes don’t light up, then he’s not your guy. (PS — i don't advise giving 10K to a random person, it's probably not going to workout very well for you).
(2) Cut your beauty sleep short
Oh yes, you’ll have to get there early to write your name on the “list”. If you arrive past 6:00am you will likely end up with a number in the 150s. NOT GOOD. Let me give you some additional context. Someone who arrives at 4:00am will end up with a number in the 50s. Sooo you know, you probably won’t have time for your Korean skin care routine. But don’t skip sunscreen though. You’re going to need it.
(3) Lots of touts
Registration starts at 9am. They will give you a form when you’re close to the biometrics station. Expect to see a sizeable crowd, mainly touts. Don’t confuse their desperation to get the PVC as excitement for the democratic process; they are probably more excited about selling their votes than actually voting.
(4) Expect random delays
No matter how good your Designated Sufferer is, you will likely do some waiting. Might I suggest a packed lunch and a good book! Don’t be annoyed when you are 15th in line and then Boom! The Chairman will come with his entourage of 30 people. That’s how you’ll go from 15th to 45th in line all over again. See the chairman that invaded my space.
(5) Expect more random delays
That’s how I was 10th in line then Joseph Yobo came. He’s so lucky he’s fine.
(6) Expect confusion
You will be thoroughly confused when you see the way the Registration officials use their keyboards. One letter at a time. How did they get this job when they don’t know how to type? This is why this process takes so damn, long. Mans are typing with one finger!
7) A fight or two might break out
Aside from the hooting and hollering you will personally face when you walk by all the unfortunate queuing people, you will see one or two instances eventually erupt in blows. It could be with an official on a power trip or with someone caught trying to get his second PVC (oh yes). This is normal. Fret not.
8) The end feels like..
First, you will get chills and then you will be tempted to get down on your knees and pray! Like God! Please don’t let anything mess this up for me right now!
9)You deserve some accolades
After you receive your print out and have it laminated then comes your favourite part I promise. Buy yourself a strong cocktail, Take yourself to lunch. You deserve it.
10) Tell Your Friends The Truth
Don’t forget to post on instagram about this awesome experience! We wont call it lying, we'll call it strategic omission for the greater good of democracy. Suggested caption: “Just got my PVC! I encourage all my friends to go get it, it’s super easy, only took 5–10 minutes! So excited to vote and be a part of remaking our Nation’s future! #NigeriaDecides2019.”
