How Do You Convince Someone You’re Being Yourself?
Pillow Talk.
The other day, someone tried to tell me that I don’t know who I am and that I don’t know what I want. My Reaction? Quite visible shaken, even muted, and now I hate myself for it. Here is how the conversation started. We’ve all been there, the fragile pillow-talk with new love; full of opportunity to gain as much understanding of your partner’s life as you do of your own.
The Slap
And then there was a moment of silence. I like to think we were taking a second to breathe each other in and smile. Mid-exhale, he slapped me in the face. Not physically, but his words hit me in such a vacuum that I don’t know how else to explain it. His words were, “You know, you don’t have to be anyone one but yourself.”
Where did that come from?
I asked and he responded
His soliloquy: “I’ve been paying attention, because I care about you, and I’ve noticed that you’re a little different around everyone. In front of your dad it’s like you try to be who he wants you to be, in front of your mom, same thing. I just want you to know that you can simply be yourself with me.
HUUUUUH???? Of course I didn’t litter this tender moment with my exclamation of utter confusion. Instead I teared up. I know right? WTF? Those tears probably validated his thinking and emboldened him. Of course, he didn’t stop there.
“I want you to ask for what you want all the time. You’re always so concerned with other people,” He said stroking my face.
“Why is this so important to you,” I Interjected.
“Because it’s part of growing up.”
Here, my friends is where I really started to get pissed off, but not before I took reflective pause.
What I learned in The 8th Grade.
This assault on my authenticity hit a sensitive place. It’s true that there was a time long ago that I had an excessively fluid concept of who I was. But here is what I really think. I still have my report card from 8th grade where my favorite math teacher Mrs. Martucci commended me for being an excellent student conscientious person…All these years later, with such clarity of self, I think this is what this wonderful man was trying to make me feel bad about
I’ve spent lot of time thinking about this issue, not because I was thinking “ who am I”? but because I kept asking myself, should I be less conscientious, less thoughtful?
So happy I have an answer.
Dear Uloma
Don’t let anybody make you feel bad for caring about other people’s happiness and their enjoyment. This is a legitimate source of joy. I promise.
Of course you have things outside of that that make you happy, but what you don’t need is for someone to tell you to ‘do more things for you’. Because you’re a woman, you should probably expect more of this. Soon everyone in the world will try to guilt trip you into feeling bad that your children bring you so much joy or they will tell you that you’re ‘too accommodating’. As long as you’re paying attention to your heart and how what you’re doing makes you feel, tell everyone else to miss you with their opinions.
Lots of love,
The Real Uloma Dimiri
